! ☎ ✏ ✈

Sometimes I lie. I lie to my friends, I lie to myself, I lie to him.



This time I lied again. No its not a very big lie. More like a white lie. A lie that doesn't hurt anybody.



I didn't lie to break a promise. I didn't lie to get ahead in the social circles. I didn't lie to get myself out of training. My lie didn't hurt anyone. Or that was what I thought.



But it did.



My lie hurt somebody. I didn't mean to. I thought my lie was meant to make others happy, thus the term a white lie. But it fucking did.



I hurt you.



My lie hurt you, when it wasn't meant to. I lied in hopes of keeping you happy. You said it before didn't you? If I was happy, you'd be too. So I lied.



Yup.



I lied that I was happy.



Now you, the reader, might be thinking "Why the hell would anybody lie about being happy?". Why you ask? Because when I was (or at least, acted) happy, my friends and he would be happy.



To be honest, my lie worked.



I pretended that I was happy with my life, with me going to be a Sec 3. With the image I created, I went along with it, trying to forget about my own pain. I helped my friends to be cheerful again, put the smiles back on their faces with my own.



Yar it worked. But they didn't know my smile was fake.



The past three weeks have been hell. My life's been spinning out of control. I was confused. Studies overwhelmed me, training grew tougher, my social circle once again grew microscopic and now I had him to worry about. So many things, and I only had one brain.



The pain increased. But I didn't do anything to stop it. Instead, I started the lie of being happy. When you're depressed, the best thing to do is help others. Then you'd feel better knowing you've helped a friend. Isn't it suppose to work that way?



It did. But only on the surface. Deep down, I still hurt like shit.



I smiled to tell you I was happy. You believed me. I thought I was successful in erasing my pain. Ha... I even lied to myself.



Then it HAD to happen.



I broke down.



Just broke. Cried and cried my eyes out until my tears betrayed me and stopped on their own. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I was broken. Again.



The running helped. It vented some of the frustrations. My dudettes advice and kind words helped alot. But they didn't cure it. The pain was still there. I was still worried. How would you react when I told you all my smiles were lies?



It was the most uncanny of places to confess my lie. I wouldn't call the train station a very idealistic place. But it would have to do. So I told you everything: the smiles, the lies, the worries, the pain. Everything.



Still I persisted in trying to smile when I was broken. You told me I didn't need to.



The tears were starting to come back.



You told me I didn't need to lie to you. You wanted to see what I was really like, what I truely felt. I was at a lost. Should I continue the facade and let you believe I'm happy? Or should I stop the lies and let you see how broken I was inside? I didn't know.



The silence didn't help. My thoughts and feelings were still in turmoil. I was still lost.



You let me lie on your shoulder. To cry on. Like you promised. I didn't want to cry, not again, not in front of you. But I couldn't. I broke once again.



And that was the day I found out that I could lie to just about anyone in the world. Anyone at all.



Except you.



You're the only one I can't lie to. Not anymore. Not after that day. When I broke, and you helped me find my true self again.



How could I possibly lie to someone so important to me?



That was my silent promise to you.



You wanted that promise. No. You demanded it. Not out of anger or fear. You demanded it because you didn't want to see me putting up an act again, didn't want to see me lying to everybody again, especially to myself. You didn't want me to lie to you.



I won't lie this time. I won't deceive myself again. When you're here, any act I put up will just break. Because I know I can't lie to you.



And I'm sorry I tried.



I promised that I won't lie to you and that I would always show my true feelings.



I intend to keep that promise.



And this time, it's true. So please believe me.



I was broken but you helped me find my way again.



I thank you for that.



But I know I can never thank you enough for all that you've done for me.



Just remember this:



I will never lie to you again and everything that I have promised you, I will keep them.



All I ask is for you to lend me your shoulder when I need to cry again. You'd do that right?



Keep smiling - because I know that I will.



Oh. And Happy Birthday. This is just a little present for you.