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just finished writing a journal entry for mr. deric low (my civics tutor, ie. a fancy name for form teacher) and well.. when i start reflecting upon things, i tend to overdo it.

wrote all that crap about being accepted for who i am in nj, not being ostracized for being different blah blah.

but seriously, i wonder how different i really am.

maybe, i like to think i'm different, i go around preaching that i'm different, but.. in the end, i'm just like everybody else.

we all seek to be accepted.

am i not one of them?

i want to be different, so i start acting emo, loner and reject all those around me?

maybe.

though i obviously know it's the wrong way to go about it.

i came up with a phrase once. "to transcend human understanding"

i'm deeply fascinated by that.

obsessed even.

i think alot of my dreams (and fears) stem from that simple idea. to go beyond what is human, to do what no one ever could.

immortality?

genius?

perfection?

i can hear myself snorting.

all these are merely a cry of weakness, aren't they?

people who use extravagant words usually do it to cover up a flaw, a weakmess, a shame, they unconsciously wish to hide. am i not human too? do i not have weaknesses?

i crave such strength, such perfection, such immortality, isn't it just because i do not want to seem weak?

it the very fact that i am human, i am flawed, that i seek an idea greater than myself, an idea that transcends human understanding.

that is the fuel for progress.

only when you are flawed, can progress be achieved.

one thing that has been on my mind is something one of my teachers once told me. i had a little chat session with him that seriously intrigued and totally changed my mindset about certain things.

i mentioned i was different (not so straightforwadly, but ya that's the main gist) and he said.. all of us like to think we're individualistic, that we are unique, that we are different.

but in the end, students are characterised by teachers into certain types and well. that kinda killed my entire "WHEE LOOK AT ME! I'M SPECIAL- ONE OF A KIND!" mindset.

gross, the things i do to attract attention.

sometimes i think it's stupid and shameful, that to be noticeable, to be different, i do stupid and idiotic things.

(shout at the top of my voice, do stupid dances in the canteen, you guys know the drill)

lirui once said, "walao, act only, like to act!"

of course i know he didn't mean it in a "damn-you-AA-bitch" kind of way but.

i immediately agreed with him.

i like to act.

i guess, that's all there is to it.

i'm an actor who savours the limelight, i'm an actor who acts just for the sake of being different.

but in the end, i am just like everyone else.

in the end, i am still human.

this is one of the limitations i can never escape, yet at the same time, it is because i am human, that i can transcend current homo sapien understanding.

but, in the end, it doesn't even matter (linkin park put it too well)

because in the end, i'll just disappear from the face of this earth.

in the end, i still have to face Death.

and all of a sudden, i wish he was here.

Squirming like a little worm,
Trapped in the labyrinth,
Darkness, Death,
Chaos in the only rule.