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Gosh it's been so long since I ranted about well, anything.

CM's been a happy camper these few months (after the dreaded CTs were over. Anybody see a pattern here? No exams = happy content CM. Approaching exams = bitchy sardonic CM) but oh, the dark side had to resurface.

What would CM do without her asshole side yes?

Well now. Two issues today (nods nods). Death (and whatever hell sub-catergories Mr. Whitby wants to add in eg. transience v permanence, time, etc.) and certain... perceptions.

Gosh I use brackets alot, don't I? A reviewer on fanfiction.net said it once. Tsk tsk- I never learn, do I?

So. Anywhos-

Death is always a part of life. Death exists because there is life. (I can hear all the Ao1 Lit students going "Man loves a little, and for long shall die/Man's love is transient as his death is long")

Please insert a gnawing action because my brain feels like doing that now. On its own leg or something.

I've spent years trying to understand. And then when you don't, you only end up realising how pathetically stupid, fragile and maggoty you are.

Goddamn, humans are weak. I am weak. (My gosh it's going back to the transcendence-of-current-human-understanding thing again!)

-is interrupted by yish's sudden MSN plea of "take care ok". Can he read my mind or something? I only said "hey" before that. Damn you-

Anywhos- gosh what's this? I keep breaking up my sentences/paragraphs. Readers won't be pleased. Well, unless the one reading this is me but BESIDES THE POINT>

So well. Cancer. It's... bizarre, to put it mildly. I don't read medical journals and when she died I was too young to comprehend how your own cells started attacking your own organs.

Started attacking you. From the inside.

And then when he died, I was older of course, but apparently not much wiser (should start picking up medical journals on cancer. But do they include what I'm trying to understand? I get the feeling no.) Because I still don't get death. I know what it is (wait. Do I?), I've seen it first-hand, but I don't understand. And I think I still don't accept it.

Grim Reaper, I insult you so.

And now. Now what. He is suspected but not confirmed (like, trend in the family says probably- GODDAMN it's too fast! The other he just died this year? His bones were BURNED, CREMATED, they were bloody chalky white! I put his spine bone into the urn for god's sake! His wife was screaming bloody murder and she scared the shit out of me when she fainted!) and my dog's growing old. No scratch that. I knew it a long time ago. He's old. He may not look it but he's old. And when you're old, you grow weaker. And when you're weaker your body doesn't function like when you were a puppy. (I am seriously, seriously refraining from using caps now) No, your anal sacs burst. You bleed. Medical advances tell you your doggie's got to go for an operation. But then they turn around and bite you on the arse by saying he may not be able to take it. Because he's old.

God, are we all that fragile?

Damn it.

DAMN IT.

I said before and I'll say it again, I don't hate who I am, but I hate what I am.

I hear the thunder roaring, I hear the demons wailing, I hear the banshees screeching, Hell is loose upon our mortal world.

Our mortality sickens me.

Onwards:

Perceptions. Tricky things ain't they? Everybody has them. Everybody believes in their own. So what do you do when they're in conflict with others?

Is reality different then? Is there a right and a wrong reality?

There are only human minds.

I dislike the thinking/perception that an only child is lonely. Because then people are comparing the only child to children with siblings. And that's kind of like comparing apples to oranges isn't it?

Not only that, family situations vary from household to household. Peaches to pears.

I don't know. I've never wanted a sibling, never dreamed of having a sibling, never felt the 'loneliness' (whatever that means) because in the first place, I'm not a people person. (of course we can go into the whole cause-and-effect thing but it'd be too tedious)

Another human being in my life this close to me is just another annoyance really.

Now people with siblings, don't go all defensive and say "You don't understand the beauty of family love and kinship, you heartless bitch!". I said, this is my view, my thinking. My situation, my upbringing, my life is different from yours so I'll have different views on certain issues. You don't have to like it, you don't have to accept it, you don't have to care. Although I do appreciate whoever it is that is still reading this rant. Or just some words thrown together (whether they make sense or not, is another question. See, to me these words will make sense no matter what. But does that matter? It's like art, ain't it? Mentioned in KI class, some people think that art is only art when other people (besides the artist) comment or view the actual art piece. Something like that. So there. Thought exercise for the day. Go, spew forth some brains!)

Whooo- that was heck of a-intensive, sire. Our thoughts really are fragmented. And speech-like. It's nice to actually experience literary techniques so you get a better feel of them.

Lit opens many windows, yes?

The brain agrees. It's more ventilated now. It thinks better.

But apparently, not good enough.

Tsk.

Oh and I read something interesting in a fic once.

Laziness was a judgement that other people passed. (all credits to Satri on fanfiction.net)

Best damn thing I ever read :)

*small note: when I said another human being this close to me in my life is an annoyance, I meant it on a family-level. Like you eat the same food, breathe the same air, stay in the same house, as the person. Not friends. I love my friends. I cannot stress that enough.

But you know what? People are the daily reminders that reality has a hold over me.

Hm. Marriage seems improbable now, don't it?

Family, marriage, husband, love, acceptance, devotion. That's for another time.

Right now, the ol'brain wants to have a spin at Neopets :D

And then we cry.

EDIT: I think the word that effectively sums up this entire post is Helplessness. And to think I didn't care.